Like a star. . .

Just like a star across my sky

Just like an angel off the page

You have appeared to my life

Feel like I'll never be the same

Just like a song in my heart

Just like oil on my hands

Oh, I do love you

I've recently discovered that my original blog has now disappeared into the ether that is the world wide web.  It was attached to my old work email and since I no longer work there, I don't have access to it.  I have lost count of how many blog posts I wrote on that one as it was about 5 years worth of work, work in the sense that I had built a following and I had written so much and reflected on what I had experienced during that entire period.  I had also started that original blog as a way to express my writing in a way that could help others in some small way.  There's nothing more depressing than starting a blog as a place to publicly grieve about the loss of your husband, but that's what I had intended to do.  But thank goodness I chose instead to talk about him in a way that still allowed me to celebrate what life was like, in spite of no longer having him with me.  

Still, wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you
We do it all the time
Blowing out my mind

I've argued with other people since he has been gone.  There have been plenty of opportunities to get to know new people.  Plenty of opportunities to figure out whether I want to be connected to someone in that way again.  There have been plenty of pretenders along the way and as much as people had wanted me to happy, or thought that being with someone would bring me happiness, I wasn't exactly interested in relying on someone else for having said happiness that way.  Still, having opportunities to argue with men about ideas and opinions sparked some false alarms and that is completely natural when you are trying to navigate your way through life and possible "like" moments.  You quickly learn to discern those moments of argument that lead to a slow burn or a leave it unturned.  Who has been blowing out your mind lately?

You've got this look I can't describe
You make me feel I'm alive
When everything else is so faint
Without a doubt, you're on my side
Heaven has been away too long
Can't find the words to write this song, oh
Your love

There are looks that you can't describe and you capture them when you're not really looking.  Depending on who you are looking at, you learn how to trace the lines of their face, the shape of their eyes and the crinkle in their smile when you put their entire facial expression together.  It is easy to feel alive again when you have closed off your heart for so long and never considered opening it for anybody.  People will say well-meaning things to you all the time like love is something easy and trivial to be trifled with.  There is a reason why it is important to know where someone stands with you because they suddenly become the only thing that acts like an anchor where everything else threatens to cave in and swallow you whole.  You will find that there are no words that can describe anything anymore and start to question whether you're seeing things right, feeling things again that you thought were long buried.  

I have come to understand the way it is
Is not a secret anymore
'Cause we've been through that before
From tonight I know that you're the only one
I've been confused and in the dark
Now I understand, yeah, yeah

What secrets do you have to hide?  We can only come to planes of understanding when you can call things what they are, when you can tell someone where things really stand.  What have you been through before that you do not want to revisit?  Clarity and certainty become familiar feelings when you learn to value them in your life.  We can too often get lost and carried away with silly games or distractions that prove fruitless.  As much as someone needs you to be who they need you to be, to be an ear that listens when you didn't know you needed to vent, to be a shoulder to lean on when you didn't know you couldn't stand on your own, to be a hand to hold when you didn't know you needed reassurance.  Be alert and pay attention to the signs around you.  We are only confused when we do not learn to be still and listen to what is happening around us, happening within us, happening to us.

I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you
I wonder why it is
I won't let my guard down
For anyone but you
We do it all the time
Blowing out my mind

You can let your guard down with certain groups of friends in your life.  They may think they know what your life is like and understand what is going on for you.  They may come to only know the parts of you that you choose to share and disclose.  Soon the veils fall away and whether you choose to show people what your true self looks like is totally up to you.  There is a vulnerability and honesty that people will never see about you.  When you are no longer threatened by your own weaknesses and failures.  When you are no longer ruled by your own perfection and insistence on being a champion.  Will you let your guard down then?  It takes a special time or special circumstances for you to be able to learn through the worst of who you were to be the best of who you are.  That's what we do all the time :-)

Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands

I hope that you take notice of who appears in your life.  There are no accidents in who we meet in our journeys.  We come across people who may cause harm, may cause us to feel things we thought we never would, people who cause us to reflect on what could be or where we could go.  We know for sure that even if we are slow to acknowledge or want to pursue anything further, that there will be constant change and that's a good thing.  If things continue to be the same, we would never be able to adapt as quickly as we do to things that come towards us, to people that come our way.  Take notice of that star that streaks across your sky.  Take notice of that angel who comes off the page.  I am learning to embrace what life has to bring me because that's all I can do really.  As I rub the oil on my hands, letting it seep into my skin and to smooth out the day's roughness of work and being in harsh environments, I know that I feel like I'll never be the same, just like a song in my heart. . .