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Just as sure. . .

Just as sure as the sun
Sets at the end of the day
Then the darkness fades
And the clouds they roll away
Just as sure as the hands
On the clock keep ticking away the time
And trouble on my mind
Makes it hard for joy to find

Someone told me that I didn't really love Loma.  They questioned whether I really did love him.  What people need to know about Loma is that he was really good at making people feel special and feel welcome, feel at home.  Whenever I was with him, I took it for granted that he would always be there for me, that wherever he was, he was home for me.  It will be 7 years this year since he died and time doesn't make the absence easier to handle.  It does make me think about ways to keep his memory alive in the things that I do, in the hyphenated surname that I bear, in the people that I see on a daily basis, and especially for those who knew him best.  I miss being around those people who loved him as fiercely as he loved.  Since he has been gone, joy has been harder to find than I would like.

Just as sure as winter fades
And then it turns to spring
I believe deliverance
Will surely come for me

I was not a perfect wife to Loma.  People will be quick to admit their faults and what they could've done better to improve how they could be better partners to their loved ones.  I was told that I was childlike in my approach to our marriage, and you know what, that's probably a fair assumption to make.  We hold fast to what we think marriage should be like by what society teaches us, but whether you are able to carry those out - is another story.  Being someone that has to look after my parents, it isn't something that I resent.  I think when you are younger you want a level of freedom that allows you independence and not being told what to do.  Being a Samoan girl doesn't allow for that kind of freedom, particularly if you are raised in a traditional cultural context.  But that's all part of what you have to navigate as you make sense of your own identity.

Just as sure as my heart
Will someday be made anew
I know You love me
Just as I do love You
Mmm just as I do love You

I can only be made perfect in God's love.  You can easily seek love in all the wrong places and wonder why it doesn't make you feel cherished or valued.  Instead, it makes you feel used and abused.  You think you know the difference, but sometimes it isn't as clearcut as it seems on the surface.  So you have to raise your own expectations about how you are going to accept love when it comes your way - if that's in actual fact what it is.  I look forward to the day when my heart can feel anew again.  I think when people mean well and want you to understand what it means to be in love, what it means to be in a relationship, they also need to remember that they are not the ones in a relationship with you in that sense.  That they can say all the well-meaning and well-intentioned things in the world - but if they are not the intended recipient, then tread carefully.

Just as sure as the test
Is there to make the perfect in Your eyes
It may hurt for a while
But by faith I shall survive
And just as sure as the rain
Falls on me only to make me grow
No matter how I feel
Now I live by what I know

When people rattle off lists about what they perceive you to be when you are in relationships, you can just sit quietly and listen and then ask further questions for clarification.  But it is a delicate operation when you have to try and be patient, and unpack, peel back and set aside the delicate layers that they graft away with their precious tools.  Are you equipped to survive what you need to through faith?  Sometimes we let our feelings get in the way of what you actually know about yourself.  If you have the patience to really look at yourself closely and trust someone to be able to point out what it is that you do so that you can understand yourself better - isn't that a good thing?  In the long run, it will steer you closer to the resolution that you need more than anything else.




Mmm just as sure as trials come
To pull me close to You
In Your presence now I see
A God I never knew (a God I never knew)

You should be discovering and getting to know aspects of God that make you grateful, make you feel blessed.  The trials that you suffer are part of the necessary learning that you need to go through in order to grow, shift and change into the next phase of your life.  We should be walking boldly into new spaces that we have never been to before.  We should be surrounding ourselves with people who we can help to make the world a better place, to work together using all of the skills and talents that you were gifted to be used in its entirety.  I know it will take me a lifetime to come to know God in the fullness of time that I have left with Him.  It will be good to share that journey with someone who is your biggest cheerleader.  For now, I have to settle on being that cheerleader for myself, to trust myself completely so that I can trust someone else all over again.

Just as sure as a touch
From Your hand can turn grey skies to shades of blue
I know You love me (yeah)
Just as I do love You
Mmm as I do love You

Spend time getting to enjoy the wonder and splendor that is God's creations.  I forget to enjoy nature, breathe in the fresh air and walk through my neighbourhood and listen keenly to the sounds around me.  I have noticed in this holiday break when I have managed to get out of the house and I'm not with other people. that it is these quiet solitary moments on my own that the greatest clarity comes.  Do you give yourself enough time to enjoy the stillness to listen to yourself?  One easy way to know is that if you start to listen to other people more than you listen to your own thoughts - more than you trust in God - then it's time to reassess how you take in necessary information.

I love You and trust You 'cause
You know what's best for me
And even though the crowd sometimes gets loud
And it's hard to hear You speak (hear You speak)
Just as sure as Your grace
Is faithful even when my faith I lose
I know You love me (I know You love me)
Just as I do love You (oh yeah)

This world does not come with everything promised to us.  We go through life with things being thrown at us and we need to figure out how to deal with situations that we might not be able to come through unscathed.  There is impact, no matter how slight or small, in everything that you go through.  The quieter you become and learn to meditate, learn to trust and pray - then that's a surefire pathway to acquiring more of the peace that you are craving, the peace that this world cannot give and one that you know you crave above all else.  Be content when such opportunities arise.

Ooh oh yeah
I do love You, yeah, yeah, yeah
I love You ('cause You first loved me)
(Jesus I love You)
The nights that I cried (You loved me)
When I should've died (You loved me)
And that's the reason why (I do love You)
Forever and ever, forever and ever
Forever and ever
(I do love You)
Forever is a long time
I'm giving You all my life
Jesus, I love You

I hope that even when you cry at night, those tears do not last long.  It is important to cry and release and let go of the pain and hurt that can consume you if you let it.  When you know how close you have come to losing everything that you worked for, only then will you appreciate how far you have come and how much further you need to go.  There are many things in this life that are not guaranteed, things that you can't quite pin down and call it for what it is.  Instead, you need to remember that God's constant love is all you need to get you through because it is a love that is not of this world, it is eternal and it will sustain you far longer and wider than any earthly love.  There are not many things in this world that I can be sure of, but knowing God gives me life and I owe Him all that is within me, of that, I can be just as sure. . . 

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